Monday, February 1, 2010

Altitude Attitude

This is going to be a tough one and with bourbon on the burner - er, well, stoking the burner - I'm sure to find my foot firmly lodged in my mouth in just a few short moments.  Please sit back and enjoy the progression from shoe to gaping face hole.

With the announcement of the 2013 CX Worlds being held in Louisville, Ky I feel that it is only fitting I claim my heritage.  I am from Kentucky, where the grass is blue, the hills roll and honey flavored bourbon drips from many a baby's bottle.  This spicy brown water courses through my veins, it's in my blood.  This is what we do.

Recently I moved to Boulder, CO with a job and a dream.  This Kentucky girl of many years was anxious for a change.  I didn't really know what I was getting into, but a very dear girlfriend and a dreamy biker boy both believed this was where I belonged.  Trusting them and my gut, out the door and straight to Boulder I went.

But REALLY, I had no idea what I was getting into.

I visited and read.  I knew the weather in Boulder was great... averaging 300+ sunny days a year and with just as many miles of bike lanes and paths, a surely healthy community.  I knew the majority of the populous owned at least one bicycle.  I knew about the beautiful mountains... kinda hard to miss.  I knew I had a great job and that there were almost as many coffee shops and breweries as residents... GOOD coffee shops and GOOD breweries.  Repeat... GOOD coffee, GOOD beer, GOOD biking.  And to state the obvious, bourbon is not in short supply.  How could I go wrong?

But still, I had no idea what I was getting into.  I mean it's the people that make a place and about the people of Boulder I had not a clue.

I had no idea that I would be befriended by and ride with the top cycling pros in the nation.  I had no idea I would easily park my car for days and even weeks at a time.  I had no idea I would race for a mountain bike team on a super sweet pimped out Yeti.  I had no idea I would enjoy the Boulder Creek Bike Path everyday, that everyone I met would know that Di2 is not a Star Wars character. 

I also had no idea that meeting a Boulder native or a person of color would be as rare as a mooing cow.  I had no idea the strain on my body would cause this 16 year vegetarian to have dreams of cheeseburgers and I certainly had no idea I would be at risk of developing...

ALTITUDE ATTITUDE... TUDE... Tude... tud...

Altitude Attitude is an affliction due to oxygen deprivation and Boulderesque privileges causes one's persona to take on a very unique combination of qualities.  This is a very real and very dangerous condition, one that currently 95,000 humans and approximately 25,000 canines are at serious risk of developing at this very moment. 

Please pay attention to the warning signs listed below.  If you find yourself developing two or more of these traits during prolonged exposure in the Boulder Bubble seek mid-west flat land treatment immediately.  The symptoms are as follows:
  • reaching in your closet, randomly pulling out a garment and being 85% likely to find it labeled patagucci
  • using the terms gluten-free, paleo, octo-lacto, AND vegan to describe your belief system.
  • having two bars crossing the roof of your foreign engineered AWD vehicle supporting an aero-gear-geek-box, fork mounts and ski/board clamps and driving around with them all full, all the time
  • consulting with the Pharmica clerk about the telling state of your tongue, the implications of said state and which herbal suppliments would most effectively remedy your condition
  • adding a "Y" to the end of your first name and following it with "THE BODY"
  • seasonally changing your vocabulary to accommodate the terms used to describe the value of your mountain descent
  • sporting active wear on all occasions, unconsciously parading that just-engaged-in-intense-physical-activity-sans-perspiration look or the even more prominent ready-for-an-adventure-even-in-my-deepest-state-of-REM look
  • having a yoga mat or a yogi or both surgically attached to your being
  • concocting a super secret afternoon pick-me-up recipe consisting of espresso, fresh squeezed carrot juice, chain lube and locally grown tree bark
  • using the term embrocation to describe anything that comes in a tube and being compelled to apply liberally and with fervor to all parts of the body at least 4 times daily
  • spending an inordinate amount of time participating in extreme outdoor activities and spending an equally inordinate amount of money on gear for said activities only to become a jack of all extreme sports, master of none
  • showing signs of a serious television viewing deficit 
  • riding sans helmet since it's only a training ride and the woolen beanie in its place is sure to protect remaining brain cells (dwindling due to extreme noggin swelling and the ingestion of please GOD let them be undetectable substances)
PROGNOSIS:  Full body and daily routine scan reveals minor bruising to the knees due to a lack of surgically attached yoga mat, a severe tree bark deficiency and although high levels of fresh squeezed carrot juice have been detected, it is accompanied by a completely inexplicable LACK of two bars crossing the roof of patient's foreign engineered AWD vehicle. 

Closer scrutiny does reveal stories of an attempt to apply chamois creme, to the face, an affinity for down garments labeled Patagonia and traces of an herbal supplement found at the local Pharmica store.  Please be advised that patient remains at high risk of full blown Altitude Attitude but treatment is not currently recommended for fear there may be a repeat of severe side affects experienced the last time the patient was prematurely sent for mid-west flatland treatment - namely extreme lethargy, a touch of the Brown Water Flu, loss of The Lungs and an uninspired disposition.

Whew.  THAT was close, flatland treatment sucks.

1 comment:

  1. Sarai, this is hilarious. Just have a stash of bourbon around for some KY perspective and you'll be just fine. That's what the doctor ordered, so I hear. Congratulations again on moving west and living the dream.

    In the future, maybe you can share the recipe for one of these bizarre concoctions you're drinking!

    Have fun. Keep riding!